핑크 소원。

eraofmaidens:

i didnt write all that to tell you you have flaws LOL once more youve taken everything i said the wrong way. 

yesterday i was mad and i didnt want to talk b/c i feel stupid when i talk to ppl who can hold strong backs to their points. i cant really do that….since im indecisive and i have a hard time finding words to express myself bc im freaking retarded to begin with…i got fustrated so i just didnt want to talk about it anymore but you kept pushing b/c you wanted to know…so i just blew up lol…

i’m sorry i run…its part of who i am…i run from issues, i run from problems and hide away until i have enough courage built up to face it. even though i run away though… at least i always go back and work them out. i run b/c when my step mom used to beat us…and shame us…i would run, i would run into books and magic. its the only way i could feel safe. i’m sorry that i love reading so much…but back when there was nothing else…nobody to help, no where that felt safe, i felt safe when i read and escaped to the world of the book i was reading.

im sorry that i promised i wouldnt run away…and yet i did. its instinct for me…but you have done the same thing too…promise me something…then didnt keep it. i’m not saying i did it to pay you back or anything but i did it b/c i cant help who i am…along with 

1. even if i didnt promise…you would of kept whinning till i promised you lol

2. you promised a long time ago you would always pick up for me…and during the time when i was waiting for you, that promise hurt a lot when you didnt pick up.

i know it wasnt right to break my promise…so i’m sorry that i did. and i wont promise things i cant keep anymore.

in the end…i kinda want to just give up again lol. b/c before when i did try…when i tried to be with you, you left me. and now? i dont know if i have the strength to keep trying. its very trying. but i want to be with you and i want to try again… so here i am writing this b/c i know you will read it sooner or later.

i dont want you to be scared of me =/ i dont want you to stop doing something just b/c i got mad =/

what i mean is the whole book thing…lol…wth? its totally blow up to something way bigger then it is =/ i told you that you could bother me. i’m sorry i got so mad that night, i was frustrated and hot and mad. and it wasnt that i wanted to read. it was your whining and crying and bugging me and saying the same things when i was already pissed off. you can bother me when ever i read and i will give you attention if you dont piss me off first. and even if i get pissed off b/c i’m reading. i dont want you to stop that. if you keep doing that then its’ just going to be exactly like it was last time. every time i effing get mad youll with hold that little piece of you, and it will eventually lead to you doing nothing hah. thats what makes me frustrated about myself the most. you holding yourself away from me b/c you dont want to get me mad. i’m sorry i get mad. its who i am. its a part of me. take it or leave it. you only ever see me getting mad. after i get mad at you about one thing…i learn…as hard as it seems i do learn. i might get mad about the same thing next time but ill make sure i wont give you the same result. meaning…if i’m reading and you bother me, if i get mad i’ll tell you i want to read, or i’ll put the book down and give you attention. but the same thing wont replay.

lol you said i love you twice and i didnt say anything so i’m automatically tired of you. lolololol have some sense please? stop putting shit like that on me. it just pisses me off more. if you dont want to make me mad dont say shit like that. its like passive aggressive. i hate ppl like that the most. be aggressive or dont be. either tell me straight up what you want or dont say stuff like that at all…wth?

i just dont know what to say anymore…i’m not mad anymore…just sorry.

i’m sorry.

i just want to go back to being okay. i hate arguing.